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Signs On Church Property
"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."
"Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone
tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads,
"For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know
how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is
low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire
insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
===============================================================
Thank God
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary.
Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The
missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.
On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse.
He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse
and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You
have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, OK."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then
he says, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God,
thank God" and the horse just takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to
make the horse stop.
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and
says, "Thank God!"
===============================================================
The Memorial
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large
plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names,
and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good
morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all
the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together,
staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he
asked, "Which service, the 9:00 o'clock or the 11:00 o'clock?"
===============================================================
The Castaways
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the
island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're
going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove
the first man crazy.
"Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does
that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to
DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I
tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
===============================================================
The Cleaning Woman
There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the
invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to
become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus
and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church. The pastor thought
to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails
are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members
think of her." He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then
decide.
The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed
about it and still wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so
long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member."
Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more.
A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little
old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached
her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"
"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about
becoming a member of your church."
"He did?" said the pastor.
"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church
yet, and He's been trying for years.
===============================================================
If Jesus Preached Now
If Jesus Preached today, He would be wanted by....
The FDA for turning water into wine without a license.
The EPA for killing fig trees.
The AMA for practicing medicine without a license.
The Department of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead,
and for feeding the 5,000 people in the wilderness.
The NEA for teaching without a certificate.
OSHA for walking on water without a life jacket and for flying without an
airplane.
The SPCA for driving hogs into the sea.
The NATIONAL BOARD OF PSYCHIATRISTS for giving advice on how to live a
guilt-free life.
The INTERFAITH MOVEMENT for condemning all other religions.
And by the ZONING BOARD for building mansions without a permit.
===============================================================
Abraham's Computer
Abraham bought himself a fancy new
computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful
programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."
Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad, I don't think your
computer has enough memory."
Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM."
===============================================================
Philosophy Class
A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion
about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he
simply stated, "Then there is no God."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to
speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the
following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class
dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's
logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
==============================================================
Praise the Lord!
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every
morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!"
The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the
same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has
trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with
groceries, then says "Praise the Lord". The next morning she goes out onto the
porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, of course she says "Praise the
Lord". The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those
groceries - there is no God". The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts, "Prasie
the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the
groceries!!" ===============================================================
A professor asked his class a question
"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from
Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said
"Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive
at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half
crazy."
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