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Pearly Gates
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly
gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into
heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain
number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100
points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never
cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its
ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this; I started a soup kitchen in my city and
worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is
by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
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Gods Army
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by
the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
So the Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
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One Dollar Bill
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I
haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and
did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a
couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."
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Lonely Adam
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked
him, "What's wrong, Adam?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God thought for a minute and then said that He was going to make Adam a
companion and that it would be called a "woman." He said, "This person will
gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash
it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear
your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take
care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and
will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked God, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.
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GOD are u listening
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked,
and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so
close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen.So he asked, "God, are
you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more.
He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...Then he looked
to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to
you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so
little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said,
"God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."
==============================================================
Pastor moving on
A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and
take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made
this decision, or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday
morning to announce his resignation in church.
When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to
this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another
church."
The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
==============================================================
Jonah
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business
so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her
Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting
next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and
went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You
don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask
him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
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Daily Prayer
Dear God,
So far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then
on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you!
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Prayer for Speeders
45mph...........................God Will Take Care of You
55mph...........................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65mph...........................Nearer My God To Thee
75mph...........................Nearer Still Nearer
85mph...........................This World Is Not My Home
95mph...........................Lord, I'm Coming Home
and over 100mph.................Precious Memories
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